A birthday

About the time that most of you see this, I should be getting my nails done in anticipation of my trip to Baltimore.

I am going as the Executive Director of This Is H.O.W. It is a business trip, in the most serious of senses, and I will be wandering about at Creating Change (www.creatingchange.org). This is an LGBT event, one of the major ones.

I leave on tuesday — tomorrow. Early in the morning, grateful in some ways as the trip may ease the intense insomnia I have suffered of late.

That insomnia comes from my yearly anxiety about my birthday, which isn’t about mortality so much as it is about time left to get things done.

So, this day, as you read this, I am older than I was but decidedly not any wiser.  I know a little more than I did before, but I still have many lessons left to learn, and many things to puzzle through and many more conversations to have.

Barring a plane crash, of course.  One must be aware that the unexpected happens while you are busy dealing with the expectations you have.

TIH is in the midst of growing pains — All of us are adapting to the immense growth we have gone through, and more than a few of us are overwhelmed by the stuff we face.  But every day, there is another resource, and other willing person, and it sometimes takes all can muster to keep up with it.

I get to chuckle when people say I am unemployed, or that I don’t do anything — and I hear that, frequently.  Apparently, not getting paid to do what I do makes it somehow less important.

Not too long after I return, I will be giving a two day seminar on Trans history.  All day affairs, with food and drinks, covering history from a trans perspective from 1850 or so to the present day. As with much of my studies into history, it is slim on dates and places and names, and focuses very heavily on the way that trends in history lead to the current times, and how actions in one area influence others.

I was supposed to pack, yesterday, but I didn’t.  I tend to be bad about that, lol.  I do have a really good idea of what I am going to pack, though.

I am, for those who haven’t figured it out yet, 47.

47 is no different from 27.  And yet, I know of know 27 year old who will say that.  I have wrinkles and I don’t run as fast.

I am, oddly enough, no worse off today than I was when I started this new life of mine. Money is still the one thing that would truly solve most of my problems, and that will come as it is needed. I keep my eyes on the prize, on the goal.

We get to choose what we do with our lives, and we have, if we seek it out, many different ways to know what we can do that is best for us and for others — and sometimes that isn’t all that nice or good or kind.  Sometimes, the best thing is never what it is expected to be.

I am excited about this.  And stressed.  Three years more.

I expect they will be filled with a lot of adventure.

Happy birthday to me. Arrogant, egotistical, aloof, cold hearted, snarky me — one little girl filled with liminality and difference.

I am, as always, ever so grateful for this one.  And hoping for the next.