The Tyranny Of Ikea

Ladies and gentlemen,

Today I am going to speak to you about a serious issue that affects this country on a deeper level than any can possibly imagine.

Recently, I was outed.

I was outed because I have been working tirelessly, and with great effort, and with constant passion, for a form of justice that is all too often overlooked in our mad rush for equity and equality, out constant challenging of thoughts and ideas on the importance of liberty.  I have been an activist for this cause, apparently for a long while, and being outed has and almost will certainly cause me great pain and consternation.

You see, I have been called an armchair activist.

Yes, that’s right: I have been labeled an activist for the continued use and employment of armchairs in an age when the mass merchandising and cheap, shoddy workmanship of mass production has all but destroyed this fine and noble traditional piece of furniture’s mission an purpose in life.

For hundreds of years, armchairs have been essential to the function and format of our democracy.  Indeed, our very country was founded in armchairs, from whcih people would rise to speak only occasionally, during gatherings which shaped and changed the direction and nature of this great country of ours.

The rise and decline of the armchair is a challenging study, a complex field — one in which few, if any, people have ever dared to step foot, for fear of ridicule and scorn.  And yet, the Federalist Papers were created from an armchair drawn before that most utilitarian of articles, a desk (for which they have long been recognized as an essential piece, only to be wiped out by the constant pressure of the armless chairs and folding chairs).

The Constitution itself was written in an armchair.  Over many a laborious evening, the armchair providing the only comfort to the otherwise bereft of such author in a time when comfort was not measured by the same standards of today.

Now, doubtless some will speak to the fact that some armchairs lack significant value, or have caused harm, such as pressure to the popliteal nerve or perhaps placed far too much weight on the ischeal tuberosities, but I am speaking in greater and broader terms of armchairs in general, and in particular, those armchairs which do bot do that, where their ergonomics are such that they provide ease and comfort for the seated.

Also, I’m sure that 0thers will say that I have no right to speak for armchairs, that armchairs are fully capable of speaking for themselves, to which I am left with but one retort: you are delusional.  Armchairs lack mouths.

The insults and degradation to armchairs are now widespread, the privilege exercised by persons who usually say such things from an armless chair ignored.  Well, no more.

Thrones are armchairs, and from a thrones has been issued edicts and elements that changed millions of lives.  Armchairs are noble and proud and of greater value and use.  Armchairs, when properly utilized, provide a strong and stable base from which to reach higher (just be sure to use both armrests for balance, lest you tip the chair).

These days, the contempt people have for armchairs are wide abd broad and deep, we speak about them derogorily, having come to prefer the recliner or the couch, abdicating the much beloved loveseat.

I say no more! Never again will armchairs be tossed aside, for I am here to stand forth to defend them, where others will not, where others daren’t go.

I see the beauty of a well made armchair, and I will defy the expectations of a culture in which Ikean armless chairs are ubiquitous. Down with the tyranny of Scandinavian influenced modern design! Let all four legs rest equally, testament to the craftsmanship of the maker (no, really — you ever tried to make a chair where all four legs work out equally? Its not all that easy.).

I will point out, of course, that the people who labeled me an armchair activist are, in fact, armchair activists themselves, given they seek to end the dominion of the dreaded TG and do it from, well, um, err…


Because I am an activist on behalf of armchairs, and I will not rest until they are given their due!

[thanks to Voz for the title]