On Women’s Orgasms and Sex Columnists

So a relatively well known person who talks about sex made a really damn fool statement recently.
This is a long post, so bear with me — you know I like to take my time.
Me, I had to google her. But I was pointed to it because a gender fluid friend here asked me to take a look at it.
Now, if you’ve ever seen me operate, you know that one of the first rules I have if you ask me to intervene is that if you do something foolish, I will tell you about it, lol.
They did, but it was a foolish something that most of my LBT folks would have done in a heartbeat and likely most of the G friends, as well.
You see, this woman was trying to say that Straight women don’t have the resources and capacities to develop a greater understanding of their own sexual needs.
Which is actually pretty accurate, really. Yeah, there’s a lot of stuff out there, but if you pay attention, about 99.9% of is centered around how they are supposed to derive satisfaction from their men via their pleasing their man.
That’s not actually really good stuff.
Now here’s the problem (she says, burying the lede yet again)…
She used LGBT people as a comparative and left multiple implications that part of the reason for this is the fault of the LGBT community. In a manner and at a time when cultural forces are pretty fucking hostile to them.
As you can imagine, my friend was incensed, because there’s a strong current of biphobia in this woman’s work historically, and it’s really freaking obvious in this post.
My friend is generally masculine presenting on FB. And they walked into a discussion on women’s stuff.
So yeah, there was that problem. Which they owned up to, and all is cool there.
But that meant that the woman wasn’t effectively challenged for her being a douche, and not the fun kind.
So I was *exquisitely* kind and understanding and pleasant and all those things you are supposed to be when you know more about what is being talked about than the asswipe who is doing the talking but is otherwise generally considered at least somewhat competent.
I was even supportive. I avoided all the overtly passive aggressive stuff, was assertive without being aggressive, and I reformed her point for her and proffered it up along with the potential for being an ally.
I mean, folks, you would believe someone hacked my freaking account if you hadn’t seen me go all super professional on someone before.
Which, of course, means that I was actually totally trollin the shit out of her in a way that most people cannot see while simultaneously telling her how to do what she did without fucking shit up.
So, of course, now we need to think about how she messed stuff up.
So let’s take a look at how a “professional” dives deep into the Oppression Olympics pool, shall we?
“It goes to my point that it is very hard to gather steam around one of the most sexually marginalized groups when it comes to sexual satisfaction — mainstream straight women. The attention and interest shown publicly points to the shame and lack of attention/ interest that we give to this group — and their isolation.”
Ok, now, that’s pretty standard boilerplate for LGBT stuff. Reading that you would think she was about to launch into a whole consideration of LGBT issues, except for that whole thing about “straight women”.
Let’s be *super* generous, ok? She’s talking about 80% of women in the US. I mean, we know she’s talking about more than that, but hey, we are going to be nice.
They are the default form of women in the US. They are the women for whom pretty much all cultural institutions in the country are built.
Straight people.
Straight women.
And they are supposed to be one of the most marginalized.
I mean, I could see that being said about straight trans women of color over the age of 40, and especially black trans women over the age of 40, but hey, you know, maybe I’m not quite as up to speed on the latest sex therapist/advice columnist secret handshake shit, so whatever.
Shame. Lack of attention. Lack of interest.
Like I said, I bent over backwards here. I agree that straight women are indeed fucked and not in the pleasant way by heteronormative expressions of purpose driven sex via the moral policing of the cishet world.
I mean, I’m bi, and that shit is brutal. It’s even worse for lesbians.
But straight women? Needing an orgasm? There is shame in this?
Ok, sorry, I might have lost my cool a little bit there. You know how I get.
So, I mean, yeah, those poor straight women. Crippled by the Abrahamic religious restrictions on their sex life.
So sad.
Oh, but wait. It gets better.
“Subject: Straight Mainstream Women and The Orgasm Gap
Many of us are fighting and are committed to making safe spaces for all kinds of humans when it comes to sexuality and it’s expression. And STILL there is so little focus on mainstream straight women — and they are statistically behind every other group when it comes to sexual satisfaction. Straight women lag behind lesbian and bi-sexual women in sexual satisfaction. Straight women lag behind gay, straight and bi-sexual men. Straight mainstream women have few people picking up their cause to create safe spaces for them to expand and explore their sexuality and heal issues of trauma and body negative messages. Straight women are not a cause celeb. I think that straight women matter too. There needs to be room and attention paid to women who might consider themselves “mainstream”. Places that they feel welcomed to dive into their desires. The orgasm gap that exists between them and EVERYBODY else is a cause worth fighting for. It’s a group that is incredibly isolated in their sexual alone-ness with few activists taking up their flag. Anyone got some needle and thread? Loving you from here, Pamela Madsen”
So LGBT people are not Mainstream, I should point out. Also, Trans people do not exist.
keep in mind, when you google this woman effectively, she’s like majorly known for her biphobia, and she studiously stays the fuck away from trans people because her particular market is, well, straight women with christian roots.
Now, who could possibly take up the cause for straight women?
Straight men? You know, the actual source of the problem?
Nope, its falling to that other group that has all those incredible resources built and fashioned over the years since the late 1960’s.
You know, Lesbians. With all their superpowers and amazing strength and social oomph and their ability to truly understand what women need and want.
I mean, hey, they are, in fact, all powerful, but to let that secret out could get me hurt. Or fewer dates with lesbians. Either is awful.
So let me get to what she’s trying to say here…
Straight women just aren’t happy with the sex they have with straight men.
Meanwhile, Gay men, bi men and women, and lesbians are all totally loving sex in comparison.
Seriously, that’s what she’s trying to get at. That straight women are not enjoying sex and not having orgasms.
And all the not mainstream types are, and this isn’t fair.
Now I see this. I see past all the barely veiled homophobic and biphobic and transphobic and ciscentric horseshit she’s spewing from the wrong side.
So I pointed out that the reason it isn’t fair has JACK FUCKING SHIT TO DO WITH LGBT people.
Politely, no less. With kindness. With love. With *cough* *Hack**choke* compassion and empathy.
And suggested she take the time to look at the actual problem here.
You know, straight men. And not just white straight men, either — I know a lot of folks are all into the exotification of Black men and all but, um, yeah.
Now, she did sign that second half of what I quoted. So you can likely google her yourself and find out that what this all means is that when you have some variation of “fame” for what you do, it does not mean that I won’t come along and shit all over your cream puff and then smile as you take a bite.
Because I really don’t give a rat’s ass about your fame if you are going to use it to make shit worse, instead of better, or capitalize on a re-energized hate of LGBT people for your personal gain.
But at least I’ll be nice and sweet about it.